What's the Opposite of IKEA?

Trying to get furniture in Mwanza is what!

At 8 AM, Cecily and I set out to have cushions made for the sofa frames left by previous tenants in our homes. We are escorted by a veteran ex-pat and her guard who kindly did the initial cushion reconnaissance for us last week.

We test a few different foam samples at a “shop”. Basically it’s a back-alley corner covered by a gigantic UNHCR tarp. Assorted cushions and mattresses lie helter-skelter. We choose the firmest foam and give them our measurements. 

No good, they say. Our measurements are too big for their standard cushion sizes. We’ll have to pay more since they’ll need to slice up some mattresses to get the right size.

After haggling over the price for half and hour (as the only Tanzanian, our friend’s guard does most of the talking initially) everything is agreed. 

They send for the fundi (handyman). He looks over the measurements, convinces us he understands them, and then promptly loses the paper containing said measurements. Massive search for sheet of paper ensues. Once it's is found, out comes a blue marker and a machete. A few flattened cardboard boxes are tossed on the ground. Our future sofa cushions are thrown on top of the cardboard and Mr. Fundi begins hacking away at the foam with the machete in cavalier style, using only his hastily made blue markings as guide.

It begins to pour, the fundi makes a huge mistake on one of Cecily’s cushions and we find out it’s all going to cost more money due to a miscommunication. Price negotiations resume in our broken Swahili AND have I mentioned that throughout this four-hour process, there are never less than 10 random onlookers watching our every move, trying to push their overpriced, inferior goods on us? At one point, a Chinese engineer stumbles into the "shop", sees me and instantly begins jabbering away in Mandarin. He asks if I'm Cecily's "servant". 

Miraculously, in the midst of all this we manage to run over to a fabric shop, pick out the plainest, simplest fabric available for cushion covers and find a tailor to do the job.

By the time we get home, we’re completely drenched. All our foam Tetris cushion pieces are wet and dirty from being shoved into the back of a taxi. 

Cecily and I spend the rest of the day recovering.